he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I love you. Go after that dick
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
