so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
