I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
