he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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