now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
