Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
