I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
