Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
