So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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