Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
