He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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