Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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