OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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