I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
