she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
