I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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