I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
