You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
