Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
