I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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