dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
