I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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