A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
