I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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