my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
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he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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