it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
