Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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