and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
