We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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