I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
