sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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