Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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