the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
