All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
