So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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