I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
