I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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