I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
