I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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