Plan B is the new Plan A
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
