he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
