is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
