You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i love accidental penises.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
