the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
