she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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