new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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