Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
