yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
