How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
How's work?
Spinning.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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