Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
