that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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