a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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