youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
