is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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