I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
